i came out to my sister and some close friends in march of 1998. this had been building for quite some time; the time was right and i felt like i needed to speak up. most people i know still don't know that i'm bisexual. this is one way i'm building up the courage to be more real in the rest of my life, so here ya go.
i've always been a late bloomer in most things, especially sexually. i rarely had crushes in junior high and high school, although the earliest crush i can remember was the one i had on my best friend as a child. she and i met when i was four. i still consider that friendship the model for all my later relationships. it was very open, very loving and very giving. everything was completely innocent, as friendships of children are, but i did have a crush on her for many years, although i didn't realize it until much later. we're still friends today; she's a wonderful woman.
as a kid, most of my close friendships were with women. i rarely had guy friends past the 3rd grade (until college). i'm sure this had everything to do with most of the boys in my class picking on me unmercifully from 5th grade until i graduated from high school. naturally i never got asked out in high school and never kissed anyone til my first boyfriend when i was 21. during my teenage years i never really had crushes on boys and showed little interest in dating. i did, however, have more than one dream (or daydream) about women that i dismissed in a panic as hormones. not that i wasn't sexually attracted to men; i just didn't feel very comfortable around them. all my crushes on my teachers were directed toward women. basically, all the strong feelings i had as a kid and a teenager, all the passion that makes me who i am (because i am a VERY passionate, emotional person) -- all the emotional intimacy in my life was invested in relationships with women. for a while, i just wasn't interested in guys. i wasn't really interested in women either, sexually. it was a confusing period.
as i got into college, i began to get to know gay people. i had never known any gay or lesbians before, having been raised down south where wasn't much of a gay presence, especially in my home town of 20,000. much to my surprise, the gay men i knew weren't demons in human form, nor were they leering pedophiles involved in a vast conspiracy to tear down the entire infrastructure of our society from within. they were just... guys. people. it may seem naive, but i honestly had no idea how to react to gays & lesbians. they weren't a part of my world view. denial sure is powerful...
as college progressed, i got to know all sorts of people, especially in the art department, since that was my major. my attitudes about gays & lesbians had been somewhat softened as i got to know them (imagine that). you must understand i was raised in a very conservative home (my father is a pastor). my parents are good, good people; they don't hate anyone, but they don't understand homosexuality, and i was raised to believe that being gay or bisexual is morally wrong. since i didn't know any gays or lesbians, i didn't know any better.
by the time i graduated from college, i was beginning to acknowledge to myself that even though guys were wonderful and i loved to check them out, about half the time i found myself looking at the women they were with. this was extremely disconcerting, needless to say. i figured i couldn't be a lesbian, because i still was attracted to men. about this time, i was breaking up with the first guy i ever fell in love with. it was pretty bad, and i was about ready to swear off guys for good. it didn't occur to me then that women might be an option, even though i spent many late nights reading fan fiction (a favorite pastime the last couple of years) and finding myself going to the adult section trolling for f/f stories. (female/female, for those of you who are confused.) a few months after my college graduation, i started dating the man who is now my husband. finally, i thought, i was going to be like everyone else. i was going to be normal. i should have known i can't be like anyone else. :)
dating my (then) boyfriend did provide a point of stability for me in what was an increasingly confusing world. i began to notice little tell-tale signs about myself, like being stunned at how drop-dead gorgeous the girl at the local coffee shop was, to the point where i stammered and had to sit down before i made a fool of myself. (of course, i first realized my weakness for redheads when i met this girl... *grin*.) i found myself more and more flirting with women i would meet -- there was no other word for it -- and realizing i'd been been doing it for years without knowing i was doing it. around christmas of 1996, something happened which really shook me up and made me take a good look at who i was and who i was becoming.
i went to visit a friend who was in for the holiday from out of town. she and i had been friends since junior high, but had lost touch and only recently gotten back together. the first night i went to see her, it was rough. she didn't want to be home and she ended up crying on my shoulder for a while. we went out to grab some food, then came back to her house. i was standing next to the chair where she was sitting with an arm around her shoulder to try to console her, and she looked up at me. we locked eyes, and it was like you see in the movies: the sparks flew, time stood still, and nothing else existed. i knew if i didn't leave, we were going to kiss each other, and then some. i made some excuse and got the hell out of there. it scared me and woke me up. i realized there were some serious questions i had to ask myself, because it was becoming more apparent that nothing had changed since i was a kid.
i got engaged about six months later and lost my virginity to my fiance around that same time. three months later, we were married in a courthouse, having just moved to a different state and not wanting to live together until marriage. (i'm still an old-fashioned girl in many respects -- what can i say.) the "real" wedding took place about four months after that.
1997 was a year of realization for me. i knew i was deeply in love with my husband, but i also knew i wasn't like the other little girls. i was beginning to accept some of the deeper feelings that i'd been keeping hidden for years, due largely to a friend of mine who was (and is) going through the same thing. both of us knew we weren't completely straight, but we didn't know what we were. i thank God i have her; i wouldn't have been able to get through this without her. we started telling each other our secrets -- stuff i wouldn't dare breathe to another living soul before. we found out that we had similar histories and were struggling with the same issues: both of us were raised with certain beliefs that we weren't ready to give up, and we didn't have the slightest idea what to do about it. she attended my wedding with a bisexual friend of ours, and the three of us piled on the hotel bed the night before for some chick bonding. snuggling with men is a wonderful thing, but snuggling with my two friends that night was one of the most beautiful, intimate experiences i have ever known. we just lay there, snuggled next to each other, talking about anything that came up. that night emphasized a notion that had been growing in my head for some time: i've always had a longing for intimacy with women. i just didn't know exactly what kind. some of the happiest moments i've ever had in my life have been spent in the arms of a girl friend, just talking. (i have never been sexually intimate with a woman.) i thought for a while that was pretty weird. now i realize it's a part of me. it's part of the way i express affection and emotional intimacy.
well, the new year turned over, my marriage progressed wonderfully, and my friend and i kept talking about what was going on. early this year, the pieces all started to fall into place for me -- for both of us, actually. a watermark event for me was going to an indigo girls concert in december with my husband. we were one of the very few "straight" couples there. it was a small venue, and i felt right at home surrounded by gay and lesbian couples of all descriptions. it may be a cliche, but there really was a sense of family. i've never felt anything like it. we met a beautiful lesbian couple there with whom we still occasionally keep in touch. the concert rocked, and i didn't want to leave. i felt.. safe. i knew the people there wouldn't think i was strange, weird, immoral or any of that. it was an acceptance and sense of community i craved in the rest of my life.
so i got tired of fighting off those feelings; i knew they weren't going to go away. i know; i've tried to make them go away. it never worked. i finally acknowledged to myself, my husband and my friend that i had always been attracted to women and likely always would be. as much as i've tried to repress those feelings (for almost 20 years), they have never left me. i got tired of fighting. i decided that if this is the way i am, i was going to deal with it one way or another and worry about my questions of morality later. so it was that in march of 1998 i came out to my little sister and a close-knit group of friends on a mailing list i administer (all of whom are gay/les/bi or GLB friendly). my husband has known about my bisexuality for a long time, and he has been wonderfully supportive. my friend is still figuring things out. so am i, really. i don't have all the answers i seek by any means. i'm not like a lot of people in the GLBT community, but i'm definitely not like any straight chick you've ever seen. so i guess i don't fit in anywhere, but that's okay. i know who my friends are; as long as i have them and my husband, that's all i care about.
as for coming out to the rest of the world... well, i'm not ready for that yet. my parents don't know. they don't need to right now. my mom would probably have a heart attack, and she would certainly give me a lecture i don't want to listen to. my dad might be okay with it, but i ain't gonna chance it right now. i'm not sure how my brother would take it. my sister knows and doesn't care one way or another. occasionally she'll ask me questions out of curiosity, but i know she loves me the way i am. these days when i first meet someone, i'll tell them i'm bi if it's relevant. most of the time i'm content to let people find out in their own time. i'm still working on coming out to my best friend, oddly. we're halfway across the country from each other; it's not really the kind of thing i'd want to get into over the phone, so i'm waiting. i do want to eventually come out to the rest of my family and my friends, once i'm a little more secure in myself and my place in the community, and once i'm ready to deal with the inevitable barrage of questions, tears, lecture, bursts of outrage and patronizing phrases like, "it's just a phase." until then, i'm staying here in the closet where it's nice and warm. coming out is a very personal decision, IMO, and should only be done when you're ready to deal with it. but i will come out to the important people in my life eventually. i came out to my sister and my friends in the first place because i was tired of hiding an essential part of who i am. i love men AND i love women. that's not going away. i can't hide who i am any more. being out, even to the limited extent i am, is so liberating. i feel much freer now that i'm not keeping this big secret from the world any more.
so that's my story. feel free to mail me if you have a story to share. we can certainly all use the encouragement.